This blog was always intended to be just about knitting and other crafts, keeping myself distant from every post. An anonymous blog was my way of fulfilling a need to share without being part of anything I wrote myself. and as a way of not having to admit to friends or family that I write.
I have no outlet for emotions that I wouldn’t dream to share on twitter or other social media attributable to myself beyond my closest friend. But a blog gives me the space to think out loud and open myself up to scrutiny by strangers, without you knowing me at all.
So here it is…. my confession.
I have just had an amazing two weeks in Africa, trekking Meru and Kilimanjaro. An otherwise ordinary trek, though half way around the world so far from reality. It was life changing, there is nothing more exhilarating than climbing two massive mountains in the dark and seeing sunrise over Africa. Especially the highest peak, thereby fulfilling a life dream.
And in this parallel universe I met someone unexpectedly. Hardly a holiday romance when we were camping for 2 weeks and spent most of the time deprived of oxygen and permanently covered in dirt. Nevertheless daily smiles and jokes were enough for me to leave for Zanzibar at the end and be disappointed I was heading off alone. Spending 2 days in Zanzibar in a tropical paradise location suitable for honeymoons made me realise how much of a mess everything in my life is.
See, my confession is that I am not single. I have a partner, and we have been together for 15 years, though we haven’t lived together. I finished uni and eventually bought a house and he’s been out of work for the last 5 years and hasn’t moved in as he didn’t want to be reliant on me financially.
In living alone for the last 5 years, I have felt for sometime that we have been growing apart. He certainly has no desire to do the type of holidays I want to, and we seem these days to have different interests and wishes in life. We certainly have different ideas about the ideal weekend. Every argument feels like the last, but somehow we have carried on.
Feeling the flush of heat in my face that only a smile from a stranger can create made me finally realise the state of my relationship back home. Feeling weak in my knees when he wiped dirt from my face made me hopeful of a life I hadn’t realised I could have. Closing the door to my hotel room on the last night, knowing he was next door, made me sleep so well, and wish that he would knock on my door.
I spent what should have been a lovely last evening in Zanzibar, eating at the best table in the restaurant overlooking the beach, but feeling like Shirley Valentine – like I was trying to run away from my life. There is nothing more lonely than the romantic table for one.
I could put all of this down to being half way around the world, and having a man smile at me when I look my worst camping and filthy for days on end.
I could probably have come back to my life and continue as if the smiles hadn’t happened. Certainly there was nothing more to it.
Then he emailed me.
He wants to see me again. No, he actually said he’d love to see me again.
And now I’m in turmoil, having realised that my relationship is probably over as I’ve realised how I truly feel, that I love my partner like he’s my brother and best friend and no longer like my lover. But I don’t want to hurt him, and he was so excited to hear from me when I finally answered the phone at home. We even had a normal conversation.
I’m not stupid enough to think that a holiday smile could be anything more than that, (these things don’t survive the real world do they?) But dreaming that I could have more makes me think that I can’t carry on anyway, irrespective of any third party.
What the hell do I do? I guess that’s not really my question since I think I know what I need to do, but how do I do it? We’ve been together forever, he’s virtually the only man I’ve ever loved. And while I don’t have a problem being alone, since living alone means I’m on my own 95% of the time anyway. I just don’t want to throw it all away if its the wrong decision to make. But how does anyone ever know?
So I need to really know if I should give up on my best friend who I’ve know for the last 15 years, who knows everything about me and I’ve shared so much with. But who I’ve known for the last couple of years won’t ever find another job and move in with me.
My best friend said I should see the other man again and see how we get on, which sounds like sensible advice until I realised she meant without making a decision on dumping my partner. Even if there is no kissing or bodily contact that still feels like cheating to me – we might not live together but I speak to my partner everyday so I’d have to lie about where I am. And then I’m also lying to the other guy too, who thinks that I’m single at the moment (I certainly didn’t give him any impression otherwise) and that’s not a good start to anything
My life is such a mess. Feel free to tell me I’m an idiot.