Losing my mind….

This blog was always intended to be just about knitting and other crafts, keeping myself distant from every post. An anonymous blog was my way of fulfilling a need to share without being part of anything I wrote myself. and as a way of not having to admit to friends or family that I write.

I have no outlet for emotions that I wouldn’t dream to share on twitter or other social media attributable to myself beyond my closest friend. But a blog gives me the space to think out loud and open myself up to scrutiny by strangers, without you knowing me at all.

So here it is…. my confession.

I have just had an amazing two weeks in Africa, trekking Meru and Kilimanjaro. An otherwise ordinary trek, though half way around the world so far from reality. It was life changing, there is nothing more exhilarating than climbing two massive mountains in the dark and seeing sunrise over Africa. Especially the highest peak, thereby fulfilling a life dream.

And in this parallel universe I met someone unexpectedly. Hardly a holiday romance when we were camping for 2 weeks and spent most of the time deprived of oxygen and permanently covered in dirt. Nevertheless daily smiles and jokes were enough for me to leave for Zanzibar at the end and be disappointed I was heading off alone. Spending 2 days in Zanzibar in a tropical paradise location suitable for honeymoons made me realise how much of a mess everything in my life is.

See, my confession is that I am not single. I have a partner, and we have been together for 15 years, though we haven’t lived together. I finished uni and eventually bought a house and he’s been out of work for the last 5 years and hasn’t moved in as he didn’t want to be reliant on me financially.

In living alone for the last 5 years, I have felt for sometime that we have been growing apart. He certainly has no desire to do the type of holidays I want to, and we seem these days to have different interests and wishes in life. We certainly have different ideas about the ideal weekend. Every argument feels like the last, but somehow we have carried on.

Feeling the flush of heat in my face that only a smile from a stranger can create made me finally realise the state of my relationship back home. Feeling weak in my knees when he wiped dirt from my face made me hopeful of a life I hadn’t realised I could have. Closing the door to my hotel room on the last night, knowing he was next door, made me sleep so well, and wish that he would knock on my door.

I spent what should have been a lovely last evening in Zanzibar, eating at the best table in the restaurant overlooking the beach, but feeling like Shirley Valentine – like I was trying to run away from my life. There is nothing more lonely than the romantic table for one.

I could put all of this down to being half way around the world, and having a man smile at me when I look my worst camping and filthy for days on end.

I could probably have come back to my life and continue as if the smiles hadn’t happened. Certainly there was nothing more to it.

Then he emailed me.

He wants to see me again. No, he actually said he’d love to see me again.

And now I’m in turmoil, having realised that my relationship is probably over as I’ve realised how I truly feel, that I love my partner like he’s my brother and best friend and no longer like my lover. But I don’t want to hurt him, and he was so excited to hear from me when I finally answered the phone at home. We even had a normal conversation.

I’m not stupid enough to think that a holiday smile could be anything more than that, (these things don’t survive the real world do they?) But dreaming that I could have more makes me think that I can’t carry on anyway, irrespective of any third party.

What the hell do I do? I guess that’s not really my question since I think I know what I need to do, but how do I do it? We’ve been together forever, he’s virtually the only man I’ve ever loved. And while I don’t have a problem being alone, since living alone means I’m on my own 95% of the time anyway. I just don’t want to throw it all away if its the wrong decision to make. But how does anyone ever know?

So I need to really know if I should give up on my best friend who I’ve know for the last 15 years, who knows everything about me and I’ve shared so much with. But who I’ve known for the last couple of years won’t ever find another job and move in with me.

My best friend said I should see the other man again and see how we get on, which sounds like sensible advice until I realised she meant without making a decision on dumping my partner. Even if there is no kissing or bodily contact that still feels like cheating to me – we might not live together but I speak to my partner everyday so I’d have to lie about where I am. And then I’m also lying to the other guy too, who thinks that I’m single at the moment (I certainly didn’t give him any impression otherwise) and that’s not a good start to anything

My life is such a mess.  Feel free to tell me I’m an idiot.


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17 Responses to Losing my mind….

  1. itwasjudith says:

    I don’t think you’re an idiot.. it’s life and things happen unexpectedly.
    I would say that it’s better to be sincere, although not easy, and think about what you want in your life. Life is only one, decisions may be the wrong ones, but sometimes we can’t do differently. We may regret it later (I left one of the best men I could ever meet in my life), but it was right at the time.
    Take some time for yourself to think what you really want your life to be. The rest should come as a consequence..
    Good luck & all the best

  2. Pingback: After 26 years, 15 jobs and 7 first kisses – These are the rules I live by (part 1) | Contemplating Love

  3. you are very brave ….. just keep on listening to yourself being very honest. As the previous comment says you only have one life. Live it. Dpn’t be ‘woolly’ keep that for the knitting. Just go forward never backwards. Life is so amazing don’t waste it especially as you seem to have so much in front you. All my life changing decisions have been made from my heart and I regret none of them.

    Just writing that blog took great courage and is obviously very heart felt – you’ve faced the most important thing – how you really feel about your life – it is your life and you can change it.

    Please don’t let these very powerful emotions be packed away to be faced some other time.

    Life is very short don’t waste it.

    • Thank you for making me feel more confident, I think I’m too used to letting life happen to me and not making decisions. I know you’re right and I can’t keep wasting my life. thank you x

  4. salpal1 says:

    You are not an idiot. It will be hard, but from where I sit, not knowing you or anyone else involved, I think you should tell your partner that this vacation has made you stop and look at things, and you need to have some space to figure it out. not saying it’s done, but it might be. Then, meet the vacation guy, and let him know that there is someone in the immediate past, and see what happens. It will be messy for a while, but I think you realized that your life has changed and that what once was good isn’t – how can you stay in a relationship with no chance of improving? If he never gets a job, you never live together – what is that? That is friends. I hope you can make it stay that way while you move on to find someone who fulfills all of your dreams

    • That’s great advice, thank you so much. You’re right about us just being friends. I don’t want to hurt him but I know I have to do what’s right for me. I’m not sure he’s the kind of guy who would settle for being ‘just friends’ though.

    • creative pixie says:

      I agree with Salpal1. It sounds more like you’re friends with your partner . You’ve been together for so long and yet you’re not married or even living together. It may be kinder in the long run to make the break now even if this vacation guy doesn’t feel the same. Don’t settle, life is too short, be happy.

      • creative pixie says:

        By the way-I met my husband on an overseas trip to South Africa. The night before we both went home I told him how I felt about him as I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing him again. 8 years later we’re married with 2 children 🙂

      • 🙂 I love a happy ending, glad to hear that they can happen. thanks x

  5. Oh, poor/lucky you, And the magic of Africa – been there, done that – my husband is an Anthropologist, no place like the cradle of mankind! Don’t hesitate, be honest with you partner – if he loves he’ll let you go……….We have one life……….a treasure…………….spend it well………..and remember, no one walks away from a happy relationship ……….you wouldn’t even be thinking this way if you were happy and fulfilled……………….I shall think of you. Many years ago I made a similar decision, I did hurt people, I regret that, but I know I would have l regretted not following my heart……………..and then there was Africa to take there blame! Thank you for sharing this, warmest thoughts, S

  6. Thanks for making me smile. I’m not sure it will be as easy as that but I know there’s a dream of what you have, that I want for myself and I can’t keep denying myself forever. Thank you x

  7. KerryCan says:

    You’ve gotten great advice from the others. I think you’re “settling” in your current relationship. The new romance may not turn into anything but at least you’d be free.

  8. It sounds like you’re very close with your current partner…so he’s bound to have realized by now that something’s up. I day talk to him about it, and be honest about how you feel about your relationship. Maybe he’s been feeling the same way…either way, maybe it’s something you can figure out together. If it turns into an argument with no resolution…well then maybe it’s a sign that the relationship is already over.

  9. lily8176 says:

    No you are not. You only get one life. Live it. Take the chance. If it doesn’t work at least you have tried. Good luck.

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