So, despite thinking that I would see how everything goes with my partner before making any decisions, I saw him for 3 hours this weekend, and its over.
It felt like the right decision and I told him only what was relevant; that we were in a rut and that as much as I love him I can’t go on waiting for things to change – for him to find a job and move in. And that being on holiday I’d met a lovely couple who did everything together and I realised that that was what i wanted.
I didn’t mention vacation guy, as despite us having emailed a lot since I’ve come home, he’s not really the reason. And it would have broke his heart. I’m not really leaving him for someone else, I had to make the decision for me irrespective of what might happen with the other guy.
I was upset last night but felt it was the right decision. That I couldn’t wait any longer for our relationship to move on. He was really upset but we didn’t shout at each other. He still loves me and I know I’ve broke his heart.
But after not much sleep I’ve woke this morning thinking maybe I made the wrong decision. We were so good together, and he never moaned about me disappearing off to do things I wanted to do even if that was for odd week trips here and there. And we always had fun and laughed and while he might have wanted to do different things on holidays I still enjoyed them too and he always gave me the freedom to go off and do my own thing.
I now feel like I’ve thrown away the best man I’ve ever met. I know I feel like that because we’ve been together for so long and I’m having trouble imagining life without him. But I don’t know what to do. He’s still my best friend and I still care about him.
I know I have to see him again at least once as he still has my door key and I have some of his stuff. What do I say?
And vacation guy has been emailing me more than twice a day (I’m trying to be pragmatic and putting that down to him being bored at work). And he said he would call me on Friday to see about meeting up. I’m certainly happy to receive his emails, and I’m even being a bit neurotic and checking a bit too regularly to see if there’s another.
Do I meet him and see how it goes? Do I allow the flame to still burn for my ex in case I’ve made a terrible mistake? (he’s sweet enough he’d probably take me back). Is that even fair to him? Or me?
Or do I just try to move on?
Why can’t life be simple? Why couldn’t I be happy not wanting more?