Valentines is too heavily wrapped in expectation for new couples and despite being rational and realistic I think I fell into that trap last weekend.
Venice was wonderful and amazing and I wouldn’t change a thing about it if I could (ok expect the part where I got too drunk on the 13th and woke with a hangover on the 14th which wasn’t particularly romantic). He loved the scarf by the way. Phew.
But somewhere between us I sensed we were expecting something from each other, that neither of us gave.
I am exceptionally rubbish about sharing how I feel with people, largely due to fear of being rejected, or laughed at, or ignored. But I also don’t trust my own emotions so don’t share them. I have one friend that I trust to share anything with.
The whirlwind romance of our relationship (so different from anything I’ve had before) has meant that I have been cautious to not mistake lust and joy for love. And the fact that I have realized that I do care about him a massive amount has left me confused and afraid to share how I feel.
Whilst much more open than me, he is sensitive and obviously waiting for me to give as well. This absence was noticeable by me, and must have been by him. I could feel it in the days following Valentines which left me annoyed with myself and also feeling incredibly vulnerable.
So…. I’ve given myself a good talking to in the few days of reflection I have had, and committed myself to a romantic gesture of a picnic I am taking with me tonight when I drive to see him. And more importantly a card – which ends saying I have something to say. I have no way of getting out of it now. I’m not sure I will have the confidence to say I love him, but I have the confidence to say how much he means to me without requiring him to say anything in return. For the most important lesson I’ve learnt this week is that I don’t need him to say anything at all, I just need to say it myself.
Wish me luck!