I never actually expected the scenario I had played out in my head a thousand times last week to actually work out as I had hoped or planned. But nothing had prepared me for the disaster it actually was.
I didn’t want nor expect him to return the sentiment I wanted to give to him – I just felt I had to say it – but I didn’t expect him to return half the picnic and the rose either.
Having drawn the conclusion over the last few months that he was sensitive, I didn’t expect him to not care that he’d hurt me either.
I’d expected to hand over a picnic, present him with a card and then force myself to open up about how I felt about him. What actually happened was, he asked me why he wanted a rose and gave it back to me, sifted through the picnic and took out what he wanted and gave me the rest back. (Hindsight is wonderful thing and I accept some of the choices in the picnic weren’t entirely well thought through. But I didn’t quite expect him to be so unfeeling in turning it down.)
He read the card when I was out of the room (collecting my sanity) and never asked what it was that I wanted to tell him.
I spent the rest of the night not really talking to him and he didn’t seem to notice quite how upset I was. I’d returned to my natural state of hiding how I feel. I’ve never felt so rejected without having even had the chance to speak.
It wasn’t until the following morning that I told him I was upset. Again, I didn’t quite get the reaction I expected. He was defensive more than he was caring, the hug I got felt condescending.
I accept this is my version of events, but he’s not really explained his. Well, beyond the rubbish reason that he thinks flowers are useless commodities and that he doesn’t need grand gestures.
At least there is a very happy Polish girl now, who thankfully gave me the response I needed when I pulled over the car to pass on the rose. I’m glad she was happy, I couldn’t take it home and needed to hear someone grateful for my attempt at romance. Thank you whoever you are for your gratitude and smile, that meant more to me than the rose could ever have done to you.
I won’t see him now for a couple of weeks as he is working away, which is time for me to cheer myself up with knitting. I’m adamant that its down to him now and I’m not going to feel bad for trying.