Hitting rock bottom

I’m sorry its been so long since my last post. I had hoped to have knitted something beautiful to share, but having had a week in Northumberland walking in the sunshine the knitting I took with me is progressing slowly and isn’t providing much joy.

And then I emailed him. I didn’t want bad air between us, I wanted us to be friends and to at least be communicating. So I let him know when I’d be in London next if he fancied meeting up. I knew it wasn’t necessarily a good idea and could lead to tears if we met, but I was trying to be mature about it.

Then he emailed back last night. Having had communication cut off from me while he was in the States he’d obviously confided in his boss, who has offered him a temporary job in the States. Which he’s asked if he can make permanent to have a fresh start. I don’t blame him for feeling he needs to move on and have a real chance of happiness. Particularly as I’d previously said I wouldn’t move to the South to be with him and he didn’t want to move up here and risk his job.

I’ve hit rock bottom though as in that time I’d found that I truly hate my job and need to leave, and while I’ve always loved where I live for being in the countryside I’m effectively trapped here. If I want to find a job I love I need to leave, if I ever expect to find anyone else I need to leave (that sounds dramatic but I’ve been here 7 years and don’t have any really close friends nearby).

So I’d decided I could live down South and had been busy applying for jobs in London and the South. And now he says he might be leaving….

He did say its not confirmed, his company is looking at what relocation package he might get and stuff could go wrong. And he said he’d like us to stay in touch as friends, “until such time as he knows where he’s at”. So I don’ t know what to do now.

I’ve emailed him and said I’m in a process of moving South but I doubt he’ll put romance before his career after everything that’s happened. Moving to the States is too attractive, I’m not sure I’d turn it down in his position.

I’d even accept that situation for a couple of months of happiness with him, and if he then asked me to leave with him I would I reckon. Having decided I have nothing here. I love my parents but I’d still leave given the chance. But I’d need to know it would work first. I don’t really know why I’m allowing myself to even fantasies as neither of those option is going to happen.

I’ve made a decision to move South and now he’s leaving. Which just leaves me thinking everything is shit all at once. I was ready to give it all up and now he’s no longer there to have. And having made that decision for myself, I now no longer want to stay, but find myself terrified of moving and being alone. But then I’m alone here so I guess what’s the difference.

How can everything dissolve at once? How can I have left it six or eight weeks to late to make the decision? How can I have cut off communication 3 weeks ago and now find everything I want and could have had before has gone?

How can everything be so shit all at once?

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10 Responses to Hitting rock bottom

  1. itwasjudith says:

    Perhaps you need to allow yourself a fresh start, in every sense.
    I’ve been myself in a somewhat similar position long ago – it didn’t work in the end, and although hard and with a heavy heart, I moved on and went on to live a better life and meet good opportunities, which I wouldn’t otherwise have had.
    All the best ❤

    • Thanks, its hard to believe I’m making a fresh start alone while I’m scared of such a leap I know I need to do it. Despite everything I really believe there’s something better out there for me. I just have to find it. Doesn’t stop the tears right now though

      • itwasjudith says:

        Yes, it is hard, but something better is out there and will come.
        It helped me a bit to try and think of other things than the past – doesn’t matter what, anything really. Kept my mind occupied with anything that could distract me
        What is grabbing your interest? Art, music, walking, yoga, cycling?

      • I usually knit but sitting in and knitting is only a recipe for feeling sorry for myself, so thankfully I’ve been getting out and cycling (danger to others rather than myself). Thanks for providing me with hope that things get better.

      • itwasjudith says:

        They will get better 🙂
        In my own experience, I’ve gone from that sad times on to very interesting things..
        keep up and busy, do things, go places, meet people – anything that takes your fancy. Cycling sounds like a very good thing – just be careful 🙂

  2. salpal1 says:

    itwasJudith is right – maybe the whole purpose of this was to help you make the decision to leave where you are at and move on. there might be something/someone better just waiting fro you to arrive. Or it might all work out, you might move to the states and have a wonderful adventure.

    • Oh how I have been dreaming that might happen. The dreamer in me is hoping I can get a job in the South quick enough to be able to see him again regularly, so that whenever he might be leaving he might ask me to go to.
      But the realist in me says i need to find a job I’m happy with in case I get stuck alone.
      I’ve been throwing more stuff out to feel like i’m progressing – its occurred to me that 2 huge boxes of wool might be difficult to justify a trip to a potentially tiny place in the South – but it might be needed to keep me sane!
      Its hardly going to happen quickly, but here’s hoping. x

      • salpal1 says:

        take whatever job you find, you can always find a better one once you are there. Enjoy the power of purging your stuff!

  3. just to add my pat on the back and to wish you luck – I so agree with salpal1 and itwasjudith. You obviously have an adventurous streak in you (holidays camping in Africa) just go with it. (And try not to let Wonderboy dominate your decisions for you). Its time you moved on for YOU. I feel really excited for you …… new faces, new places, new experiences, some terrible, and some wonderful – better than just moping about and thinking what could have been. Don’t waste your time on that process, you get out there and sock it to ’em!!!! (hand knitted of course!)

  4. lollyknits says:

    If you aren’t getting fulfillment from the job you have, and you have to move to do what you love, it’s probably good that this motivated you to start looking! I know it probably seems awful right now (I hate change, personally, but sometimes it’s positively necessary.) If you’re in a job you hate then you won’t make any friends at work, but if you move you can start fresh and build a community for yourself. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, it will still have made you follow your passion, and that is so valuable. Also, if I could choose between living anywhere in the US and London, it would be London hands down. I hear they have some pretty great yarn shops too.. You’ll get through this, and you’ll be stronger and happier because you had the courage to follow your dreams.

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