I’m sorry its been so long since my last post. I had hoped to have knitted something beautiful to share, but having had a week in Northumberland walking in the sunshine the knitting I took with me is progressing slowly and isn’t providing much joy.
And then I emailed him. I didn’t want bad air between us, I wanted us to be friends and to at least be communicating. So I let him know when I’d be in London next if he fancied meeting up. I knew it wasn’t necessarily a good idea and could lead to tears if we met, but I was trying to be mature about it.
Then he emailed back last night. Having had communication cut off from me while he was in the States he’d obviously confided in his boss, who has offered him a temporary job in the States. Which he’s asked if he can make permanent to have a fresh start. I don’t blame him for feeling he needs to move on and have a real chance of happiness. Particularly as I’d previously said I wouldn’t move to the South to be with him and he didn’t want to move up here and risk his job.
I’ve hit rock bottom though as in that time I’d found that I truly hate my job and need to leave, and while I’ve always loved where I live for being in the countryside I’m effectively trapped here. If I want to find a job I love I need to leave, if I ever expect to find anyone else I need to leave (that sounds dramatic but I’ve been here 7 years and don’t have any really close friends nearby).
So I’d decided I could live down South and had been busy applying for jobs in London and the South. And now he says he might be leaving….
He did say its not confirmed, his company is looking at what relocation package he might get and stuff could go wrong. And he said he’d like us to stay in touch as friends, “until such time as he knows where he’s at”. So I don’ t know what to do now.
I’ve emailed him and said I’m in a process of moving South but I doubt he’ll put romance before his career after everything that’s happened. Moving to the States is too attractive, I’m not sure I’d turn it down in his position.
I’d even accept that situation for a couple of months of happiness with him, and if he then asked me to leave with him I would I reckon. Having decided I have nothing here. I love my parents but I’d still leave given the chance. But I’d need to know it would work first. I don’t really know why I’m allowing myself to even fantasies as neither of those option is going to happen.
I’ve made a decision to move South and now he’s leaving. Which just leaves me thinking everything is shit all at once. I was ready to give it all up and now he’s no longer there to have. And having made that decision for myself, I now no longer want to stay, but find myself terrified of moving and being alone. But then I’m alone here so I guess what’s the difference.
How can everything dissolve at once? How can I have left it six or eight weeks to late to make the decision? How can I have cut off communication 3 weeks ago and now find everything I want and could have had before has gone?
How can everything be so shit all at once?