Wow, this weekend couldn’t have been any rougher if I’d actually tried. But despite feeling the worst I ever have, I’m also able to give it some distance now and I’ve learnt so much about myself. So much so I’m both glad and disappointed. If its possible to have both at the same time. Glad I’ve learnt more about myself but disappointed it didn’t come sooner.
The email ping pong continued, I told him I was thinking of moving South for work, he responded with shock. Amazed that I’d changed my mind in 2 months. But his response was otherwise void of emotion and simply about how expensive it was going to be for me to move south and commute in and out of London. And once he’d heard that news there was no mention or response to suggestions of meeting up as friends.
When he’d told me about moving abroad he’d said he needed a fresh start; when I replied to say that was all I needed too and I wasn’t chasing him across the country when he’d never said that he wanted to be with me, I didn’t get a response to that comment and did get a rebuff that he wasn’t after a fresh start as he wasn’t changing jobs and had been to that part of the USA for 14 years. I noted that he had said he wanted a fresh start and I was only trying to wish him well if that was what he wanted.
So I can see this other life I could have had – I move, we meet up for drinks occasionally, sparks fly again and we live happily ever after, even if we end up moving to the States. Naive or what?
I think the real problem for both of us is too deep in our personalities. When I first met him he said he couldn’t believe anyone could really want to be with him, his parents split up when he was younger and has had a string of unsuccessful relationships – he’s desperate for a wonderful family life his friends now have but is clearly scared of committing his heart to anyone.
And I have realised over this weekend how much I’ve inadvertently allowed mine to make decisions for me, without realising it. The tattoo was the first permanent life decision I’d made without seeking opinion/approval from my mum. (She was pissed off big time and while I hadn’t realised it at the time, I’m pleased I annoyed her. I’ve never rebelled in my life). I know parents imprint you with their opinions but I’d never realised how much until she jumped on the chance to have my house when I suggested I might rent it and I’ve known since mr wonderful raised the issue of having kids that my anti-child opinion was really hers. Not that I really know how I feel for myself yet. How did we both get to our 30’s and end up so fucked up?
So here’s where I’m at. Still an emotional wreck but coming out of the other side.
He’s made no attempt to sound excited I might move south (probably as I’ve thrown him a curve ball he doesn’t know what to do with) and I’ve realised I don’t want to move south if I’m simply running away, as that’s not positive at all. I’m happy to consider it if at some point someone wonderful (and genuine and not afraid to feel) is on the horizon and its worth it. But at the moment all I’m doing is chasing an impossible dream, and won’t be happy. But at least now I have realised I can be happy anywhere, which I’ll admit I’m sad I couldn’t have realised months ago as I could have saved us both heartache.
But I’ve also realised I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t willing to change for me, to have a conversation about the tough stuff, who really wants me and say so. His comments about having an emotional void in his life without me and not having someone to go walking with haven’t really been about me but about him being alone. I want passion, I want romance. I deserve more that to chase someone who doesn’t really seem to want me.
We could have been great together if I’d have been more open to moving earlier and if he had been open to a conversation about stuff and not hidden away from it. We could have been great together if we’d have talked about the future earlier and not kept it all in. But I’m trying to be positive about this, I’ve learnt this for the next time, and I’ve learnt how to love thanks to him after having a lifetime of not doing.
I’m still confused about a whole load of stuff, also because I expect him to contact me at some point as he has before and I’m still not sure what I’d do about that having realised what I have – but having had a great session of reiki last night I’ve decided not to make rash decisions, or indeed any decisions. I’ve already applied for some jobs and I’ll see what happens but I’m not making panic decisions about my future. I’m worrying about a whole load of stuff I have no control over, so why bother?
Having hit a point of questioning a lot about myself in the short term I’m going to take up a friend’s ‘prescription of a summer of fun’ and reduce my hours a bit at work. I can afford to, so I need to do things that make me happy again and not stress about the future. I also need to work less and enjoy life.
Having had a few weeks of not being able to knit as it was giving me too much time to think, I’ve started the dreambird pattern. Apt, since I feel like I’m currently one of those oil slick covered bird trying to fly at the moment. I just need to take time to recover (having had the week off work with stress I’ve realised for the first time in my life that I actually do get affected by stuff and I’m not as tough as I seem) and I need to find my own happiness. And then I might meet the next Mr Wonderful, who will actually turn out to be wonderful for real and I’ll be able to accept his love, the problems of life and love and not get so wrapped up in the fantasy that I get so hurt if and when it all goes wrong.