Oh dear, despite years of monogamy for my knitting projects – diligently finishing one before starting another (if you don’t count the socks always on the go for train journeys) – I now have 3 knitting projects on the go. None of them providing the right mix of mental stimulation, joy and ability to zone out and not have to continually squint at a pattern.
Project 1: Ysolde Teague’s Follow your arrow.
Having knitted this once for my best friend recently I decided to knit it again but following the other options for each section, thereby seeing what I would get instead. However I picked a quite scratchy yarn in blue, which is ideal for mum is not providing me any joy in the knitting. It is an interesting pattern with the options of ABAAA (I’m only onto the 3rd section here), but despite the asymmetric design I’ve lost interest – largely due to the horribly scratchy yarn.
Project 2: Dreambird
I love this pattern and I love the yarns I’m knitting it in – Noro Silk garden sock for the colours feathers and drops alpaca for the background colour. But I have to constantly look at the pattern and the endless short row shaping isn’t proving enjoyable at the moment, so its one I keep picking up and putting down.
Project 3: Socks (always a backup)
Started another pair of socks as I felt I needed something I could zone out and just knit without thinking. Whilst the lack of thinking might be required it seems I need to think just enough to not let my mind spiral off into its own dark world. So the socks are not progressing that well in the end, I’m also not really that keen on the yarn colours as the repeat is too regular.
I know why I’m restless with knitting at the moment.
Its purely down to frustration in my life, a need to feel like something will change and for it to happen quickly.
I’m struggling, but managing to overcome the crippling need to email him again having found a few jobs in his neck of the woods that I really do want to do and not just applying for out of desperation to be with him. But I know I can’t. I’ve already come across as desperate which isn’t exactly attractive. Rationally I can only contact him if I actually get a job near him and make the move independently, so that I’m sorted on my own in case its all just too late.
And I’m trying not to wait around hoping that he might take me up on my offer of getting together between our birthdays in August. I’m trying not to wait and hope that he misses me enough to contact me. I’m trying to get on and make the best of what I’ve got, even if that’s a job I’m not keen on, in a house I don’t want to be in. But I don’t know what else I can do?
All I can think about is moving to be near him which is stupid I know and I’m so worried I might turn down a good opportunity up here foolishly chasing him and a dream of a future I want. A future that I could have had if I hadn’t been so scared about everything. And I’m so desperately to tell him that my initial reaction was purely fear of the unknown. He might believe me but how do you pick up the pieces after so long? I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m thanking God I have a holiday in a few weeks so I will be properly distracted otherwise I might go insane!